Andreas (Anxiety)

Andreas is six, chronically overstimulated, and has memorized every worst-case scenario known to man, including several that don’t exist. He smiles with a missing tooth and panic in his eyes. He means well. He just doesn’t trust anything—not the silence, not the plan, and definitely not the part where you’re supposed to relax.

He wears Velcro shoes for efficiency and carries a clipboard filled with imaginary emergencies. He once Googled “can lightning strike twice” and now won’t sit near windows.

You tell him it’s fine. He nods. Then asks if you’re sure—seven more times.

He just wants you to be safe. Which is why he’s cataloged 412 ways you might not be.

Andreas’s Classified Internal Worry Manual

Section: Thought-Based Catastrophes & Minor Emotional Crimes
(Do not read unless you are me or a telepathic fireman)

1. What if I accidentally wish for something too hard and it comes true wrong?

2. What if I get hiccups during Agness’s death rosary prayer time and she thinks I’m doing it on purpose?

3. What if my shoelaces are secretly judging how tight I tie them and think I have a favorite?

4. What if my goldfish remembers something embarrassing I said or thinks I’m a mass murderer because of the snack?

5. What if I sleep on the wrong side of the pillow and have opposite thoughts all day?
Will I have to sleep on the other side to fix it?
Will I have to alternate forever?

6. What if the teacher calls on me while I’m thinking about grilled cheese and I forget how words work?
Will she know what I was really thinking about?

7. What if I lose my tooth at school and someone else claims it?
If I don’t have it when I go to sleep, will the Tooth Fairy sue me?

8. What if I accidentally set off the fire alarm just by thinking about it too hard?
Do firemen have telepathy?

9. What if I wave at someone who is waving, but not at me, and then we’re both trapped in the moment forever, but in our souls?

10. What if I say “here” during roll call but I’m not actually all the way mentally here yet?
Does it count as a lie?

11. What if I raise my hand in class and everyone laughs before I even say anything?
I have that in a nightmare sometimes.
Does that mean I can make dreams come true?

Notes to self:

  • Keep backup shoelaces.

  • Rotate pillow sides weekly.

  • Do not make eye contact with the goldfish until further notice.

  • Never say “here” without emotionally preparing first.